Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
