Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize