is your mom at the bar?
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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