I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
