farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
