I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
