ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
