Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
