he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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