Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
