recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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