I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
