smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
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