So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
