Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
