Someone shit on the floor
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
