He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
