i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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