WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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