Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize