There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
