Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
