Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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