it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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