I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
