you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
