Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
