But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
