sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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