i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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