I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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