my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Don't tell me you're on acid again
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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