My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
