I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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