Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
