he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
