How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
