please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
