...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
