Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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