i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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