I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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