Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
