I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
