cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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