I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
