Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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