they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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