I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
