1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize