She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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