I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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