Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
