At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
