So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
