i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
