we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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